My Eyes

One realization I had early on in life is how people too often conflated “disability” with “inability.” It’s a big reason why I struggled with identifying as disabled.

I moved twice in fifth grade and experienced extreme period cramps during the state-wide final exam so I was enrolled in what was known as “standard” courses. My homeroom teacher in sixth grade noticed I was a straight-A student and exceled in her ELA class. She suggested I join the academically gifted program, but this suggestion was met with a snide remark about how students with 504 plans can’t be in the program. However, I had accommodations because I am visually impaired and had difficulty filling out scantron sheets and reading small print. I ended up having the highest growth in my class in the math state-wide final. I needed accommodations for my disability. I did not have an inability to academically succeed.

As a disabled Asian American woman, I’ve had a complicated relationship with my eyes. I did not meet Eurocentric standards of beauty and my left eye is a gray cloud of cataracts. The cataracts in my left eye were the biggest indication of my disability. And my nosey classmates highly irritated me when they asked me: “What’s wrong with your eye?” Or even worse: “What’s wrong with you?” I would walk with my head down or keep my left eye closed in an attempt to hide my cataracts. I was so excited to finally get colored contact lens in eighth grade I initially only wore for special occasions. But I instantly realized how I no longer walked with my head down or kept one eye closed when I wore my lens. I also noticed the difference in how other people treated me. No more: “What’s wrong with you?”

What was initially for special occasions soon became a daily wear. I wore colored contacts on my left eye almost every day until I was 24. I have been working from home since the pandemic began and I have slowly been wearing my contact lens less and less. I still wear my contact lens when I leave the house to hang out with friends and all of my selfies on Instagram are of me wearing my contact lens. At this point my lens are old and need to be replaced, so I’ve been thinking a lot about tossing it and not looking back.